Musings
by Laseri
Summary: Rose and the Doctor's thoughts, mostly on each other. Chapter seven up, Doomsday spoilers. But don't worry folks, it's not over yet! NineRose, TenRose but sticks to canon...mostly.
1. Chapter 1

A couple of drabbles I suddenly thought of. I loved Father's Day, it was beautiful and that hug just won't leave me alone. So, here you are. A bit shippy, because I adore Nine/Rose.

Disclaimer: Don't own it, wouldn't really know what to do with it if I did.

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"Just…tell me you're sorry."

He was looking at me. Not angry, not sad, not blank even. Just…intense. Those piercing blue eyes staring right through mine. His face was grim, that was it: a no-nonsense expression. I didn't have a choice, I either apologised or—no, that was it, I apologised. He'd been furious with me only about an hour before, and now…nothing. Just cold. And profoundly alien.

It was easy to forget he wasn't as human as he looked a lot of the time. But every now and then he reminded me who he was. Time Lord. He might take me travelling, but I had to be careful.

"I am…" But he was still looking. Didn't say anything, didn't move, just looked. "I'm sorry."

He was quiet for a moment; I almost thought I'd stuffed it up again somehow. But I'd flicked a switch somewhere, and just like that his whole expression changed. His arm moved, and I felt his hand so cool against my cheek, flushed from excitement and fright and goodness knows what I started feeling when he smiled. Yeah, it was familiar but it took me by surprise. I felt butterflies in my stomach…but that was because I was relieved, of course. And then he pulled me into his arms and I hugged him back and it all didn't matter and I was okay. Everything was okay.

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	2. Chapter 2

Drabble number two. Rose muses about just how weird this whole Doctor thing is. See last chapter for disclaimer.

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Did she love him? She thought so. Was she supposed to? She didn't know. Maybe not: he wasn't human, but that was hard to remember sometimes. But other times he'd change so fast, quiet and nostalgic to happy and bouncy again just as quick and easy as if he'd flicked a switch somewhere. And she'd know then just how un-human he was. But there she'd be, walking along happily chatting to an alien like it was the most natural thing in the world. It was _weird._  
Actually she'd never thought about how weird it was before. It was just what happened. He'd give her that enthusiastic, boyish grin and she'd feel shaky inside, sometimes; she'd hug him after a particularly heart-in-mouth adventure and the world would all just fall into place, and she'd never given it a second thought. She did now.

He was an alien. An actual alien, a different species even, not to mention the fact he was 900 Earth years old to her nineteen, and they laughed and talked and teased and shared chips and held hands and fell on top of each other when the TARDIS landed and had moments sometimes when their eyes locked together and they felt a mutual spark of something deeper and half-frightening—and hardly thought about it. As if it didn't matter how different they were. Of course it mattered. Didn't it? She could, and did, forget, but could he? Maybe every time he held her hand, he remembered who he was, and who she wasn't. _Stop it, shut up, brain. He doesn't; he wouldn't…_

But there it was, really. He was an alien, he was old by her standards, he'd been through more than she'd ever know about. And she loved him. It was probably the weirdest crush anyone's ever had, but Rose Tyler loved him.

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	3. Chapter 3

Okay, chapter 3: Doctor POV, from Bad Wolf when Rose gets zapped. Contains spoilers, obviously. Please review.

They'd burst in to save her, gone through so much to open those doors and keep Rose with them. They'd been so close, just a few more precious seconds and she would have been safe in his arms. Only a few more steps…but the Ann-droid would grudge her even that. Jack exploded, went mad with fear and grief and anger, they all had to die for this, the most grievous crime ever committed.

And he was numb. Rose was a heap of grey dust on the floor, shaped and patterned with his fingers; the most pliable she'd ever been, that fiery defiant little soul who laughed in a robot's face. This matter on the ground wasn't his Rose at all. His Rose could never be moulded; Rose wouldn't let anyone, not even him, just put out their hand and trace swirls and patterns in her soul; his Rose would never submit to just not _being_. His Rose was gone. They'd taken his Rose, taken her soul away and made the shell succumb to their fire. His Rose was gone.

People yelled in his face, grabbed his arm, were struck down before him by the shock of life departing, but he didn't see, or hear, or feel. Just crouched on the floor, magnetised as always by her, tracing futile grey patterns in the powder.

They grabbed him at last, and dragged his flesh away. Flesh. As if it mattered. His mind, his soul still kneeled in front of a pitiful pile of ashes, making patterns and trying to get a sense of what they had once held.

No one saw his body leaving, or they might have seen his eyes. And no one would have seen his eyes for long enough to look past the emotionless glaze he'd hardened over them; see the immense ocean of pain below, the kind of pain you only get from knowing that starting from now, everything is inevitable.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This is drabble number 4. It's based on THE kiss we saw in the trailers for season 2, and my ideas for why it happened. I'm probably wrong, as usual, but my thought was basically they'd just been through a very stressful, world-is-in-danger type situation. Afterwards, they're alone together and the Doctor says something light and humorous, as if brushing it all aside. Poor Rose is stressed, exhausted and emotional, and this is just so typically _him_ she can't keep herself under control. Here's a look inside her head during those moments. It may also be the basis for a larger, chaptered fic where I tell the whole story from beginning to end—I haven't written it yet because I STILL haven't seen TCI, although I've seen the kiss clip, and therefore have no idea what 10's character is like. Review and tell me what you think!

She tried her best to keep looking at him. _Keep looking, and smiling, that's the key, don't you move, don't you dare move…keep those eyes open, keep it light and normal…_ well…comparatively normal. But somehow, the more she kept looking at him, the harder it became to keep looking _don't look away, don't let him see what he did, just keep looking…_

And then her gaze shifted to his eyes—she wasn't sure where it had been before but suddenly it was _there_. They still had the residue of his smile about them, with that intoxicating trace of impending danger that was always there and in she fell, in and down and out. The vortex behind those eyes sucked her in and she must have left all her senses outside because suddenly before she knew what she was doing—she moved.

Snap.

Her arms went up and she grabbed his face and pulled it towards hers. She surprised herself at the force she put into it. Her face went up and she shut her eyes tight and crushed her lips to his with a passion she hadn't been sure she had until he'd looked at her like nothing on earth ("because he wasn't," she would have reminded herself if she'd been capable.) Her body lifted and her hips fitted perfectly into him. She felt light and small and soft. She tried to get as close as she could to him, so close she practically _was_ him and she could stay forever.

All so fast neither of them had time to think.

Snap.

Just like that.

She did have time to think after a bit. There were a few things getting realized in the space of a few seconds. She was still kissing him. _What had she done? _He was…kissing her back. _What was_ _this? _Her arms were around his neck. _Oh, please…_His arms were firmly around her waist. His lips were soft.

_Don't you dare move…_


	5. Chapter 5

Well, we now know the real, not-very-romantic reason for THAT kiss. So I decided to make amends for dreaming last chapter by writing about it—from the Doctor's point of view, for once. (I was sort of right, he _did_ say something funny just before she kissed him.) It's longer than usual, for some reason, so please don't hesitate to tell me if it sounds muddled or drags on too long—it's my first attempt at getting inside a Time Lord's head and it's bloody hard!

See chapter 1 for general disclaimer. Dialogue is taken from "New Earth" and obviously isn't mine. Scroll down to read Rose's point of view, newly added.

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"I can't Adam-and-Eve it," said Rose in a very un-Rose way—smug, bored and smooth, too smooth.

He also noticed the husky tone in her voice and her half undone shirt, and stammered. "What's with the voice?" he managed at last.

"Oh I dunno, just larking about, New Earth…" She paused and flicked her eyes cheekily downwards, drew a deep breath in and ran her hands down her body before looking quickly back up. "New me…" She was right, he realised—she was the flirtiest she'd ever been. More than that: dangerous. Wasn't that supposed to be his job? Maybe that was what was making him so suddenly uncomfortable although they'd played this game so many times before—but not quite like this. She wasn't quite like herself—although it was definitely Rose's body and the way it was being handled (he had an inkling she knew exactly what she was doing) seemed to be taking over his brain. Speaking of his brain—its connection to his mouth was rapidly disintegrating. _Quick, say something. Anything. Something funny, amusing, that's it, take the tension out._

"Well, I can talk—new new Doctor." He threw in a dazzling grin to boot. _Not fantastic, but it's an intelligible vocalisation at least._

"Mm, aren't you just…" She'd upped the ante even more, if that was possible—voice a husky whisper, eyes locked on his. Something sparked deep within them and before he had time to think she'd lunged and there he was with Rose's lips firmly pressed on his own. The rational part of his brain packed its bags and left his body to think for itself as her hands grabbed his head and she pressed herself up against him. It left, however, a parting thought: _where are the fireworks?_

Maybe it was that which kept his arms firmly behind his back while he tried to let the rest of himself go. He kissed her back and gave it all he had and for a moment, he was so happy and so proud of her for feeling the same as he had for so long. The realisation that _Rose was kissing him_ hit him with a rush and he let the sensation swamp him.

And then she twisted downwards and broke away and he was back in the real world—half stunned, very confused, and slightly rumpled, trying his best not to let his jaw hit the floor and staring at this "new" Rose as she composed herself. She combed her hair back, looked at him seductively from under her eyelashes, took a deep breath, stuck her chest out, and attempted to speak normally.

"T-t-t…terminal's this way," she stammered, and glided off like a perfectly poised woman twice her age. Although, the Doctor's analytical brain noted, she was still trying to catch her breath. There was, really, only one thing to say.

"Yep," he squeaked. "Still got it." He shoved his hair back reflexively and headed determinedly after her.

Later, when he and the real Rose were off getting themselves almost-but-not-quite killed, he'd steal a glance at her and remember that kiss, the way he'd tried so hard to believe in it and give himself up to his senses and his heart, the way it had happened so quickly; the way there had been something small way down at the back of his mind saying "_this is wrong, it wasn't meant to happen like this, she's not there like she should be"_ and no matter how hard he'd tried, he couldn't ignore it, but neither could he ignore the memory of Rose's lips on his. He'd look at her and realise every time they'd kissed, Rose hadn't had a clue. He'd remember how sudden it had been and think _I could do it now, right now; it would be so easy, just turn and grab her. _All he could do was squeeze her hand a bit tighter and whisper the one thing she had clung to when there was nothing else to connect with. It never failed.

_Run._

* * *

Some of you have asked for a Rose POV of the _real _kiss, and so here it is as promised. I'll move on to other bits after this, honestly, I have some ideas in the making. It's a bit lighter and less angsty than the Doctor's POV, mainly just because of Rose's personality. I have exams for the next two weeks so I probably won't get to update during that time. However, expect more Doctor-angst—I don't do enough from his point of view—possibly from GITF or ROTC but not what you'd expect. Enjoy.

It was warm and dark down there. Too warm, and too dark, with the heavy pressure of somebody else's mind firmly holding her down. However, Rose discovered, she could still point the "bitchy trampoline" controlling her limbs in the general right direction. Which was how she ended up where she was meant to be: with the Doctor, finding things out. She tried to take in as much of it as she could but unfortunately, two was a crowd in her limited headspace and she found it impossible with her limited awareness as Cassandra, who seemed to have had experience in this sort of thing before, continued to slowly suffocate her host. Before she knew it, they were through collecting evidence and were standing in a deserted hallway. Rose was dimly aware of what she had come to think of as her "parasite" making a futile attempt at early twenty-first century cockney—in front of the Doctor, no less. She was mortified. Especially when she became aware of a sensation familiar from years of use around gaping, entranced boys. She forced her way up to peek out through her own eyes and watched in a sort of morbid fascination as her body became Cassandra-fied, bosom heaving, eyelashes fluttering, voice deep and sensual and everything in between. The eyes looked up at his face once again and the real Rose did the mental equivalent of a gasp—she'd almost forgotten what he looked like. With the suppression of most of her that was currently occurring, the constant reminders she'd been accustomed to giving herself that he'd _changed_ had stopped. His softness, his ability to wear his heart (_hearts_, she corrected automatically) on the sleeve of his tweed jacket, had caught her by surprise. Looking at his bewildered expression through a veil of flirty Cassandra, and having the strange realisation that whatever this body did, wouldn't be her fault once he figured it out—something happened. The seedling she'd been nursing ever since she met him quivered and exploded luxuriantly into life and her whole being, such as it was, became one enormous urge. Even a heartless parasite was powerless to resist.

So Rose grinned and took her hand; she leaped forward joyfully and kissed her alien with all they had; for once the girl could lead, and once again an old, jaded woman was reminded in a rush of sensations of how it really felt to surrender and be happy and _human_.

Long moments in the future, they let him go. The girl subsided for a while, happily dreaming, and let a more sophisticated woman take over. Cassandra sat gingerly on Rose's mind and took the reins once more—and found she wasn't sure how Rose was supposed to act now she'd kissed him. She gasped from the adrenalin, preened, and strutted off with a curt direction that didn't quite come out as intended. Lazily the girl prodded: _You think you're just it, but aren't you glad I'm still here?_

_Perhaps. But let's see if I can't take care of this bit. It involves technology and I doubt _you_ could._

_Long as you keep acting like me. Start getting too cocky and it'll all be over._

_Oh, let's not get impertinent here. Just let me handle it and I promise you, we'll all be fine._

Rose sniggered mentally and pretended to relax her mind again. As her parasite gave no more thought to the matter and proceeded to blow her cover spectacularly, the girl's mind plotted its escape—and dreamt of doing it all again without unwelcome spectators.

A quick note—it's lovely being on alert lists and the like, and I think you're all wonderful kind people, but it's even nicer when you review. I've tried to avoid doing this lately, but: I do love it when people actually come right out and tell me things as well as putting me on lists. I don't bite or flame (much) and I'll review your fics if I have the faintest idea about the fandom. Really. Don't be shy!


	6. Chapter 6

Hello again and welcome to Musing number six: Doctor POV from the beginning of ROTC when the TARDIS dies. (Okay, so I skipped a few episodes, but I wanted to do something a bit different from all the School Reunion and GitF stuff that's popped up lately—although let's face it, they were both very fluffy episodes and I don't blame you one bit.) And yes, I realise these are getting progressively longer—give me a shout if it's a problem. Chapter five now includes a Rose point of view of THE KISS ™, for those who requested it. It's underneath the Doctor one, just keep scrolling, you'll find it.

I'm currently supposed to be studying for exams so you probably won't see me for a couple of weeks, not that that's anything new. Wish me luck all the same.

* * *

Who was the idiot now?

He'd just got so wrapped up in showing off and now look what he'd done. Stupid Mickey, tagging along like that, as if he'd ever been any use.  
Well, apart from that one time at the school, that was helpful.  
And when he'd hacked into the defence force network and blown up 10 Downing Street, that was helpful too.  
And what about the time…

Well, it didn't matter now anyway. He was the idiot.  
There he'd been, swaggering around being an alpha male, showing the newcomer who was boss, all the wonderful exciting places he'd been with someone else's girlfriend and completely forgetting the one thing that made it all possible. He might as well have swapped places, because he didn't feel worthy of it all anymore. Couldn't feel the presence in his head like he'd always done, because she was gone. He could see that; all the golden light, the glow of home, had vanished.  
_And he'd killed her._

The fact that the feeling was so familiar made it all the harder to bear. And the fact that this time all it was, was a stupid mistake. He'd had a choice; it hadn't been for anyone's good at all. The last TARDIS ever in the universe, gone because he was too busy chatting and showing off to notice a great big threatening button on his own console. Small comfort to find they weren't even nowhere, they were somewhere far worse: a London that wasn't. A London that unfortunately happened to include Rose's dad. _Of all the people who could possibly be on a talking bus-stop ad selling health drinks in a parallel universe, it justhad to be him, didn't it?_

She ran off and he sat morosely in the extinct TARDIS, filling Mickey in on random details to pass the time although he didn't even know what he was waiting for. Nothing really _to_ wait for, now, was there? It wasn't as if he could phone home. What was it about Mickey, almost everything they'd done with him on board they'd gotten trapped somehow but it was never really his fault (so why was he blaming Mickey for it in the first place?) He did seem to be getting the hang of it now, anyway; he understood the situation they were in. that was something, at least.

And then something nudged at the corner of his mind (_look over there, can't you see me, I'm still here. I'm always here.) _The tiny green glow caught his eye, and he was the Doctor again, all manic grin and ego and lust for life that wasn't really all his, he knew, he'd always need her there as a part of him. But they weren't stuck and he wasn't that stupid after all—reckless maybe, he'd just lost ten years he hadn't lived yet, but it was all worth it, and that was what they all liked about him anyway, wasn't it? He was himself again and he hadn't lost, and there was a world somewhere that needed him to save it after all. That was all that mattered, really.

Review. You know you want to.


	7. Chapter 7

Yes, here is the mandatory broken-hearted let's-fix-Doomsday ficlet. Sorry guys. Everyone has their preferred therapy.  
However, this will not be the last Musing despite the loss of our dear Rose. I plan on going back through both series and seeing if I can't write a Musing for every episode. How's that sound? Assuming you don't all get sick of me first.Anyway, here it is. Hope you enjoy it, or don't hate it, or something.

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At first Rose wavered, the habit of so many months proving hard to break. But she didn't have much time, she could hear the clock ticking, faster and faster; and the dam broke.  
And he stood there, smiling softly at her while his eyes glowed with mingled joy and pain, and told her she was right.  
Which only made her sob the harder.  
His eyes became large and dark and full, and resolute. Rose knew he could hear the clock ticking on, too.

"And I suppose…if it's my last chance to say it…"

The clock ticked on, faster and faster. Time was running out, when once they had all the time in the universe. But different universes had different rules. That was the horrible thing about this one—time never wavered, never switched courses, never jumped around for joy and gleefully skipped from A to G and then maybe back to C. It marched steadily on like a shiny blank-faced Cyberman.

So Rose had to watch half in a dream as the last words the Doctor said to her became her name, and unexpectedly, the image of him faded from the air. She had to watch the gasp of pain in his eyes as time finally ran out for them both, and she had to stand there on the beach, finally alone.

Just as unexpectedly, the voice she had heard for so many long miles returned, the otherworldly call in her head, calling, calling her far away and calling her home. This final time, it was strengthened as it travelled through the last tiny gap in the Void before it closed. It said five words; only five, but the voice of Rose's Doctor was unmistakable.

"_Rose Tyler, I love you."_

And then he was gone, and the sheer weight of it hit her at last. She had heard the words she had longed to hear for all those months, and now they were passed and gone. All she had left was a void.

But, said the one tiny piece of the old Rose Tyler left inside her, they _were_ said.

And Rose broke down at last. Whether in grief or joy or both, she didn't know.


End file.
